Homesickness

I got a pretty severe case of homesickness over the weekend. It's only happened once or twice before lasting a few hours before receding.  I like to explain it has a piercing of the heart, an ache so deep that nothing can penetrate it.  I don't call home at these times because I don't want to dissolve into tears....I normally settle for surrounding myself with people, activities, and whatever else may distract.

But I went to bed Saturday night torn apart and longing for the familiar.  For my cat Mitch to curl up on the pillow beside me, to hear my nephew yell "tar, tar!", to annoy my sister by looking over her shoulder while she's on her laptop....for sitting down to dinner with my whole family eating my mom's cooking.

As in the case with most things, I went to sleep and got up to face another day.  Pastor Brady Boyd preached on genuine faith and glorious joy....based on 1 Peter 1.... it helped a bit to hear a message on returning to joy and living in God's presence.  But I still spent my afternoon feeling broken.

I felt a stirring to go to the Sunday Night Service at New Life, something I haven't done yet.  So I went and sat with fellow classmate, Adam and his wife Heather.  They and their two boys moved here for the year from Ireland and I am continually amazed by Adam's wisdom and gentleness....maybe some of the Irish are in contention with my Canadian relatives for the winner of the most gentle people award? Just kidding!!!  During communion we were encouraged to share what we needed prayer for and to pray for each other... I didn't really want to do it, who wants to admit weakness?  And one that seems as trivial as homesickness?  But I found the words that had been developing and growing in me all day. I'm pretty sure I said, "I've been feeling really homesick this weekend, which is ok, but God convicted me that I have such a deep ache for home, but I don't have that deep ache for him...."

Saying those words out loud, how healing.  I want that deep pierce and ache for the presence of God, one that leaves me unsatisfied until....well, maybe never quite satisfied.  Someone went on to read from John Chapter 21 where Jesus says to Peter, "Peter, do you love me?"  And I felt God speak to my heart, "Amy, do you love me more than home?"  And Glen Packiam, the pastor at the Sunday evening service, in the mist of his 1 Peter sermon referenced back to John, saying that Peter answered in the greek word for love meaning "friendship" all three times, even though Jesus asked in the "agape" or undying love the first two times, but finally sliding into Peter's word the last time...meeting Peter where he was.  Asking for more, but meeting him where he was.  I'm not sure what greek version of love I would be able to use this week, but I am so reassured and delighted in that God loves me and is working in me and transforming me and softening all the places I've let grow hard.

There are so many other parts to both the morning and evening sermons that just spoke to me, but in the interest of not going on forever, the last point of the Sunday eve service stayed with me.  Glen spoke on how we have a way of trying to end our discomfort, when we are hot we turn on a fan or the air conditioner, when we are hungry we eat.  But we should be careful to not shortcut what God is doing in us.  We should embrace our "crosses", our discomforts and remember the hope we have in Christ.  It is through these discomforts that our faith is proved genuine and maybe, just maybe, we will answer more than just "friendship" when God asks us how deeply we love him.

So I am embracing the ache...and asking God to let that ache be for him all the more.